Job & inner conflicts.

Just when I thought the smoke on this side is finally cleared. Just after my my 1st duty yesterday, new problems surface. Can't it wait fer another month or somethin? Oh yeah I'm back to writin with no trailin 'G', I guess the spell-checker took a day off or somethin.

I'm still a few weeks more to gettin my 1st paycheque, but the 'test-of-life' couldn't wait that long. I've already been buggered with some things I 'should' be payin with my not-yet-earned salary. Damn. Then the question of maybe bein relocated because the instability of my housemates, probably discussin a new rent terms because of things that's unavoidable. No, my job is ok, my boss is cool, but this things somewhat related to the surroundin of my work so it has successfully makin me rethink the path I'm currently takin.

I'm not gonna put in details the things that been botherin me, today. Yeah today. Twisted as it is. Funny how I was confident about this new career path I'm takin, not gonna depend on my relative to make a livin and choosin what I want to do instead of how much I'll make on doin somethin fer supportin me. It didn't wait fer another 10 or 20 blog post from me to test me out. As soon as I made a statement and willin to be firm about it, the 'test' has to try me out hastily, to shake me from my stance. From my own foundation.

I agree. Money talks. Damn it I hate it but I admit it. With my cousin, no housin problem, transportation problem and I'll be forced to gain weight. Sure the pay is good too. Bloody 'el my plan was nearly perfect yesterday, took me more than a week to make this decision. But this mornin, the situation changed. My ship took a turn elsewhere and I'm just a mere sailorman. No say at the course of the ship, can but will not be taken seriously.

Bah. Entangled in self-conflicts, inflicted upon the way things 'should' be from the majority point of view. From their 'nature'. Now, goin on with my plan will financially leave me with nothin much to spare. Workin my arse's off, though lovin it, but I'll be throwin the money elsewhere. Sure I can try to cope with that, if I'm strong with my decision. But I'm no longer 18. *yeah I do know I'm old now, thank you..*.

And now, as per this case; ego aside, personal demand means nothin. Principal stand got no values. Tryin to stand out by bein different sometime means suicide. Helpin out the 'circle' directly is good, but when the 'circle' can't do much to help you out, maybe it's best to be outside of the 'circle' and helpin them from there instead. Yeah people say loyalty can make a miserable life out of you, but that's what who I am.

I'll discuss this with my boss soon. Try to figure out some sort of solution, a way. Maybe an exit. Not puttin a hope on anythin. This time, I'll let this piece of plank drift me anywhere the wave wants me to. Maybe another ship will pick me up, maybe I'll still be driftin, dehydrated and hungered or hopefully, as I open my eyes, I'll found meself on an island. Later.