My father passed away.. Al-Fatihah.

I never knew the visit to my father's house last Sunday was the last time I'll see him alive. My father died yesterday on 22nd June 2006 around 2 in the evenin. He was 56.

Like a fate, now I know why I urged myself to visit him last Sunday. Although the car have problems and I was kind of broke, I feel like I must go there no matter what. I'm still in shock.

A part of me is relieved, because he won't have to suffer anymore. I know he was in a lot of pain with the tumor. I saw the bulge on his left skull when I bath him today. It'll sadden me more if he still suffers. And a part of me think that it's too soon. It's like this is too quick. But then, God knows best. He knows what's good fer His subjects.

Deep inside of me, I'm happy because I had the chance to lower both of my parents into their graves. My late mother and today, my father. It does break me, when I put each of them gently into their graves, thinkin that it will be my last time to see their faces. The faces that molded mine. Because I'm more close with my late mother, I never thought that I'll broke in tears when I see the face of my late father. But I did. I guess that's who I really am. Deep inside of me, I'm really a gentle person.

I've lost my grandparents, my lovely mother and now my father. It all seems too soon. But I have to live with that. Nothin can bring them back. All I must do is pray fer their journey in the afterlife. All I have now is my sisters. How do I feel? I don't know. Mixed up fer sure. Life is like this. Nothin is certain in this life accept fer death. Everyone will die someday. So I have to make a good use of it. I guess I said enough. Thanks to my friends fer your condolences. Thank you fer readin.

Al-Fatihah to my grandparents and especially to my parents:

- Zulifah Bt Hj. Idris (My lovely mother. 28th January 2003.)
- Zulkiffli Onni B Abdul Ghaffar (My father. 22nd June 2006.)

Mom, dad, you know I love you. So much..

Later.

Visit my father, next her father & heat chronology, radiator revisited.

Last Sunday me and Intan went back to my father's house. It was an unplanned trip but I'm glad to have done it. When we arrived, my father was sleepin and under medication. He's thinner than the last time I saw him and I feel very sad to see his current condition. Although we rarely speak to each other and all, my heart breaks to see him suffer. I didn't get the chance to hear him speak to me that day. I don't know if he can even remember me in his current medical state. It's not that important though because I will always remember him. He's my father.

Intan is well received in my father's house. My stepmom and her seems to get along quite well in a short period of time. I know when we'll meet my sisters soon, she can cope with all of them just fine too because my family is just plain simple. It's good fer her and unfair fer me because she have an easy road but I have to face her father soon. Not a bad thing at all but that's gonna be hard. Maybe in next month though because I didn't cut my hair yet. Hehe. I need to take a self potrait before that too. Am I ready to face her family? Well, her kid sister and brother still remembers me although the last time they saw me was eons ago. I guess her mom will recognise me when she see me too. But I never met her father, not even once but I do know that her father is unpredictable and mostly 'kepala angin'. Why is this your problem? I don't know. Maybe because you love readin my blog so much? ;).

Like I've said, I think I'll go and meet her parents next month. Whoa, I'm nervous even when just writin about it. Her father is so unpredictable that even Intan herself don't know when is the best time fer me to meet him. I mean, when his mood is very very good. That man have this speculation that her daughter is probably with somebody but he don't know who. Her mom saw me a few years ago and knows that we're in a relationship again now. So that leave the man who's the only person I need to impress. Impress how? I don't know. Fer sure I don't want to get vetoed out. It'll be fine as long as he don't hate me. Hehe. If he say somethin like "I don't like that guy" then I'm in trouble. I guess we'll just have to see.

I brought my car back from the workshop last Saturday and that's when I planned to go to Seremban. It was so sudden that disasters will surely happen. And did. Changed the timing belt and the water pump. But because I was late on pickin the car up, my plan to go to Seremban was delayed to Sunday. Imagine askin her to get ready around 6 when it was nearly 7 that I was on my way to the workshop to get the car!

Then on Sunday, I noticed that the temperature was up again. This time it was more nerve breakin. Imagine gettin stuck in KL's traffic jam and the temp went up nearin the red bar. Crazy. New water pump and the temp went crazy again? This is nuts. When I did arrive near her house, I quickly check the engine and what did I found? Great, the fan went dead. Sheesh. It was then I was forced to rethink about the plan to go back to Seremban.

Thank God the weather was not that hot and it rains slowly in KL. So I made up my mind and tell meself to just go fer it. Lucky me after hundreds of call, 2 of my Seremban's friends will take a look at my radiator's fan when I arrive. So it was up to me to make sure that I can get to Seremban safely. Again, thanks to the cool weather and a stop at the Seremban's R&R (not to mention drivin below 80km/h.. Bluergh..), we made it safely.

After we went to my father's house, we went to Alon's to get him to check the radiator. He suggested that we take the car to his friend's workshop so we did just that. Looks like the sensor was out so the mechanic had to make a direct connection fer the fan. Seems like the fan was ok after all. Now the fan will never stop swirlin as long as the ignition is on. Good job fer a temporary solution. On our way back to KL, the temperature was up again, although now it's not that how. Darn. Highways is the best place to torture test your car.

So yesterday my 'abang angkat' pull out the termostat (if I got it right) and now it's gettin better. Not that hot still not as cool as I wanted it to be either. Still need to service the radiator because it's been ages since I did that. Eh. Wait. I never did that. Heh. I still need to go out and test it on a highway to be sure. Soon baby, soon. If the temp went up again, I'll put a refrigerator inside. Later.

More 'work' blabberin & car in the workshop.

Bleurgh. This 15 days has been quite of a hell. Work! What else!. The first time I managed to get less than 20 installation per cycle. How much? 6! What the.. Less installation means less income. Duh. Money money money.

Whoa. I slept while I was composin this blog. It's now 10 in the mornin. I guess I'm pretty tired with all this activities I've been into this past few days. So now that I've successfully slumbered through the writin of this blog, I forgot what I was thinkin yesterday.

Today will be quite a busy day. Hopefully I can make up fer last 15 day's loss. Like the last 15 days, it's not that the job I have is only 6, I have many installation's appointment but many of it is just a waste of time. Still the same birocratic problem. DSL line not jumpered etc. And when the place to go is far, it really wasted my time. Big time. Not to mention that some popular area has turn slow on the demand. It's one of those time.

Enough with that. My car is still in the workshop, changed timing belt, repaired the radiator etc. It's completed but I have no time to take it back home. Maybe today. Been a while since I drive that car. Accordin to the mechanic, the heat problem is gone. Hurrah! Now I can drive it fast like the old days. Later.

The face I wanted to see.

I met her in person again yesterday. After all this years, seein her again is like we just have a date last Saturday. All the hardship of bein seperated fer years just disappeared. No ackward feelin at all. Her appearance didn't change at all. Still that face, still that same smile. And I still have that tingly feelin like the last time I met her. Fer a moment, I was speechless, tryin to believe that she is in front of me, that face I wanted to see again fer a long time.

Sure, somehow things changed. But mostly it's the grown environment we left behind. Courses of life took a turn or two. Fer sure added events in those lost times. But neither of that changed the feelin.

Ah, I didn't plan on meetin her yesterday. Not that soon. If I can call it 'soon'. The most suitable name is 'spontaneous'. We talked on the phone and *bang*, I just thought that I want to meet her. So I did. I should've done that earlier. Much earlier. I know, I need to improve. We talked and talked until the clock got jealous and put 3:xx in the mornin fer display. The first time we had a date till mornin. Most of the chat is to catch up with our lost times. Still, the time is never enough. German won and I had to leave. I had to remember that she's still someone's daughter. I don't want to make a bad impression to her father.

It's a relief I made that slight decision. The decision of goin there and meet her. A small decision but with a big impact. If I didn't, I know right now I'm feelin guilty. More or less, I'd tell myself that I'm stupid. stupid fer not tryin to take that chance. Fer not tryin. Heck her place is not that far either.

I'm pretty sure I'll get addicted to that. Travellin from my place to hers. Forget bout any typical date session. Just do it. What about today? I don't think I need to plan anythin on that now. Heh I still have goosebumps. Later.

Back on track... *smiles*..

Thing does go unexpectedly. So finally, I'm back in contact with her. Thanks to an unexpected help. A really big help. You know who you are! Well, I know what's been goin on between you and Intan but then, I don't have any intention to get involve in it. :). Still, the fact is that with your help, I can reach Intan again. I know just a "thank you" won't be enough. Maybe your cup of Starbuck later. Yeah maybe you are an angel from above ;).

After all this years seperated, me and her we're keepin in touch again. Like the old times. And we're both single. So what now? It's like what I was told yesterday, "Maybe your past experiences with your ex-es made you realise that she IS the right person after all. Maybe you have learned your past mistakes. Maybe you and her really are meant to be together.". I sure hope that it is true. Wait, that's the old me, now it's "I'll try my best to make sure it is true".

Once, one of my ex asked me, "How can you forget your past relationship so fast?". I think she didn't get it. I never forget any of it. It's just that we all need to move on. Should I shows my feelin fer the past? Ok maybe I'm lack of sensitivity about it but it doesn't mean that I'm a heartless brat. The things is just a past, cheerfull or not. Happy or less. Sure sometime it's hard to forget about someone (a nice and good person, you know you are an angel Momoe. <3 fer you always..) but don't let the current situation turn the feelins into hatred. Yeah I'm pissed off with most of my ex-es but I don't literary 'hate' them. Hey things go fer a reason or two. Heh but it's a double-edge sword too, that also doesn't mean that I like you or still wants to hear any news bout you. Get over it.

So it's hard to please everybody but it's your lucky day! I don't have that in me nowadays. What goes from now on? All the typical plannin and so on bla bla *giggles*. Ah now I'm ready fer that commitment. Not that soon though. Later ;).

Membebel..

Macam orang gila. Yup. Bukan 'macam', tapi memang dah gila kot saya nih. Ah, skema. Kata ganti nama guna 'saya' instead of 'aku'. Tapi dah memang bertahun tak pakai 'aku'. Bunyi macam kasar. 'gua-lu' lagi lembut. Heh, penjelasan yang tak relevan pada masa ni.

Pelik. Tulis blog dalam BM. Tak tau le kenapa. Saja nak ubah selera, atau sebetulnya, tengah kucar-kacir skit kepala ni. Reason? Reason tu jugak le. Nama yang dah bertahun didengar dan takleh nak lupa. Terpisah disebabkan macam-macam hal. Intan, sape lagi? Memang dah dijangkakan blog saya lepas ni takde citer pasal lain dah. Citer tu jek la. Sikit2 nama tu, sikit2 nama tu. Yup, macam saya cakap tadi, memang dah gila kot.

Last time masuk IRC, hmm, lupa dah. Lama sangat. Tapi sebab dah gila, arinih tiba-tiba jek masuk IRC. Apekejadah? Harapan kot? Harapan utk dimsg oleh Intan. Heh. Dream on. Tak masuk akal tapi buat jugak. Mane la tau kan? Sebab apa? Sebab penyiksaan ni sungguh, uhm, menyiksakan. Penantian. Tunggu dan tunggu dan tunggu. Mesti ramai tak paham kenapa. Kenapa nak buang masa atas sesuatu yang tak pasti? Ketidakpastian yang berkemungkinan mengecewakan tatkala diketahui kebenaran.

Still lagi kat IRC. Tak menaip pun dalam tu. Kepuasan sebab sekurang-kurangnyek ade gak usaha untuk, uhm, berusaha. Dok tercongok tengok orang berborak ntah apa-apa. Heh. Dulu ade gak terjebak IRC nih. Skang dah tadek mood. Masa telah mengubah keadaan. Tapi perasaan plak? Hmm. Still macam dulu.

Tak penat ke menunggu? Soalan yang selalu ditanya oleh minda kedua. Soalan yang biasa dijawap oleh alter ego yang satu lagi. Macam2 alasan. Tapi penantian tu tak pernah mengganggu perhubungan yang lain. Malah tak pernah pulak menyebabkan kesan buruk kat mana-mana relationship yang sedia ada. Kalau nak diikutkan, perkara yang sebaliknyek terjadi. Perhubungan yang sedia ada menjahanamkan penantian tu.

Adakah itu membolehkan saya dilabel sebagai seorang yang unpredictable? Seseorang yang pada bila-bila masa boleh berubah? Come on, nothin is predictable. Kepercayaan itu lebih penting.

Ni dah kali ke berapa puluh bukak email. Mengharap keajaiban terjadi. Termasuk le belek handphone. Takut sangat tiba-tiba takde coverage, atau service down, atau celcom bankrap. Padahal kalau dah memang bukan masa untuk jumpa dier, memang takkan jumpa. Tapi biase le, kepuasan berbuat sesuatu walaupun nampak silly. Tapi betul ke silly?

Ok, katakan le dapat jugak jumpa Intan akhirnyek. Tapi dier dah kawin, or bertunang ke ape ke. Camne plak? Well, still tak mengubah apa-apa. Niat ni cuma satu jek. Nak at least jumpe sekejap. Kerana tujuan itu adalah kepuasan. Kebanyakkan masa kita ni dibazirkan dalam usaha untuk hidup and instead of doin that, saya nak merasai kepuasannya. Apa yang ade dimasa hadapan? Tak siapa yang tau. Later.

Weddin went fine & about her.

My friend's weddin ceremony went just fine. Such an enlightenin moment. I nearly drop my happy tears fer reason I know not. Heh. It feels good to see a friend get married. The food is great and I spent quite some time fillin up my stomach haha. No eligible chicks I can recall though so it's not that fun anyway. Anyway, to you Shah Ridzuan and Khatijah, may the life ahead be filled with Allah's bless and happiness.

Guess what? I was so excited bout my friend's weddin, I bought quite a few of things which is unusual fer me. I bought 2 collar tees, 1 khaki, a pair of boots and a pair of shoes. Wow. Well there was a sale and I just got a bargain. I guess. When I was lookin fer a pair of jeans, I realised that my fund ran low. So no jeans fer me fer now.

Somehow, at the weddin place, there was quite a time of me bein 'alone'. I mean, the loneliness just shows. Not my time yet I guess.

I'm still waitin fer any reply from the person I long lost. It's torturin me. Anythin can happen between the time she sent her email until now. I need to know how she's been, all the things happenin around her, anythin. *sigh*. When it's just "this" close of seein each other again, I guess I just don't have that luck. I don't know why I've been waitin fer all this years, neither do my friends who knew her. I should've just get on with the life I have left. Heck I am. I do get on with it. It's just that there's a piece of a me, like an incomplete puzzle which I just need to complete. How can I put it? Words is hard and writin bout it is much harder.

She was my sweetheart. There I said it. My lover when I just finished highschool. She understands me. Her looks won't make men glance at her twice but she have this thing bout her that's just so perfect. Maybe her kindness, maybe her simple mind, maybe the way she smiles. Oh I know she have all of it. Oh why the heck I'm tellin good things bout my ex? Trust me that's rare fer me because almost all of my ex-es are a bunch of garbage. 1, it's because she IS simple minded, kind, understandin and I just like the way she smile. And the other reason, we never officially broke up. Weird eh?

Heck I know I misunderstood her back then. We were fine until a few years after that, I misunderstood her fer a moment. And after that, it all went hell. And my stupidity caused the 1st chapter of losin contact. I still didn't forgive meself fer that. I know I was stupid. I moved on back then but still I have this feelin of wantin to see her again even if we can't meet. Like I've said, even if I could see her on the other side of the road on a busy monday. Even if just fer a few seconds, it'll be enough. But it tooks years after that to actually see her again.

But at that time, we both had chosen our path, me with my gf (at that time, such a waste of time if I could spent a little of my brain cells to think bout it..) and she's with her bf. Still, I was happy. To think that although we couldn't be together, we can still talks like the good old days. It was the 2nd biggest mistake I made. I should've dumped the thrash who's with me back then and stole her from her bf. Sounds harsh am I? To think bout it, that was the best thing that could've happened but because I wanted to be a "one-women" kinda guy, I fucked it up.

Why am I pissed off? Wait, I'm not pissed off because Intan (the person I've lost contact, the old sweetheart) have a new bf. Neither am I angry at her bf (but honestly I was jealous..). I'm pissed off and still am because my gf was havin a relationship on my back. Only if I knew bout it sooner. She deleted Intan's mobile number because she got jealous. What did I do? I did nothin and say nothin. And to make things worst, my mobile got stolen a few days after that. Then she testified that she is havin another relationship behind me. So I backed off. But I lost the war because I lose Intan, again. Like what I've said, I should've dumped the thrash earlier.

Long after that, Bobby (my friend who's livin with me here in Puchong) saw Intan in KL. But then he was smart enough to NOT ask fer any numbers. *sigh*. They even had a talk. Anyway, I knew that Intan wanted to see me again too. Bobby said the details.

Then this latest email. Which I had the privilege to read only after nearly 6 month after it was sent. Why? Why this torture? What did I do wrong back then? I'm tired of hopin but I'm still chasin. I'm tired of waitin but I never want to give up. Even if she's married now. I don't want anythin else, I just want to see her. 6 months.. Anythin can happen in 6 months.

I just don't know what got into me today. I ceased to write somethin as open or harsh like this. I was afraid that I might hurt someone's feelin because I know there's people involved are readin this. But right now I don't give a hell. It's been in me fer too long. It's true anyway so why should I even care the outcome of this? Pissed off? Then fuck you!

Still, I'm waitin fer some sort of miracle. My friends told me to keep the hopes low but I don't care if I AM chasin shadows here. This hope don't die so why should I just kill it? I'll wait. Heck it's not like it's my 1st time. There, I guess this is a good therapy. Somehow it's a relief to let it out of my chest. Later.