How's everybody?

Bah. I thought of somethin before I opened this blog editor. Now it's gone. Kapuf. Sheesh. Well that ain't the 1st time anyway. So what am I gonna talk about today? Uhm. None actually. I thought I'd write somethin, even if it's nonsense just to make it clear that I'm still alive. I'm still here somehow. Hah. I exist!

We're halfway through the Ramadhan now. Yeah Raya is very much around the corner. Ok maybe a few more corners. Guess everybody's busy gettin ready fer the festive season huh? As fer me. I bought buttons fer my baju melayu. That's it. Hah! I still don't have the mood to go Raya shoppin. Neither I feel the need to get meself a new pair of baju melayu. Not last year, not 2 years ago. I don't quite sure about this year though but I'm pretty sure it'll be the same. Maybe I'll just wear that baju melayu I wore fer my friend's weddin. Maybe not.

Speakin of friends. Heck where is everybody? Shah has gone MIA. Heck mating season never ends or what? :D. I guess bein married is "hard" fer him. Ah. Puasa Karl.. puasa.. jangan lebih2.. Hehe. The last words I heard from him was "We'll go out fer a drink sometime huh?" a few days after his weddin. And it's been months now. Hehe.

How are you other guys? Isman? You there? Long time no news huh bro? Eh I know it's been a while since I last log into any messenger but it's my "free" wifi thingy.. It sucks. :/. How bout you Momoe ;) ?. Guess things are doin great huh over there in Japan? Bebehz? How are you? Hehe yeah I know I never came to any invitation you sent me, sorry bout that but heck we'll go out fer a drink sometime huh! *uuu now where did I heard that before... fer a gazillion times already?*

Ok let's see who else.. My bandmembers.. They're fine I guess. Been a long while since I last went to Seremban *yeah now it's "went" instead of "goin back" because now Seremban is no more my hometown. *sob*. Who else? Ah pewek. I have this feelin you were the one who left a comment on my previous post. I might be wrong so "maaf zahir batin" if it's not you :D. Jangan bukak periuk jek pagi2 hehe. Let's see who else.. Uhh.. Hmm.. Aaa..

Ok so I don't have that many friends. I'm thinkin bout some kind of get together someday. *someday?! someday?! Heck you've been sayin the exact thing fer.. let's see.. uncountable times already? Pfftt*. No this time it's real hehe. Sittin with my old friends. Sippin drinks and talkin nonsenses. Lookin at some booties. Hah. That'll be great huh? Well it's just the matter of time. Just tungguuuu.

It's weird to be from not havin any idea to writin half the pages away. Heh. I should've been a writer of some sort. Anyway, hope you guys will enjoy the festive season *hey puasa is a festive season too ya know?* and may it be as awesome as you want it too. Anyone have a seat fer me this comin raya? I can use someone's "kampung" to temporarily be mine *now that's supposed to be sad..*. Hah! Later.

Happy fastin.

Hola. How's your puasa been goin on? Mine's fine. Except fer a few days ago, the 2nd day of fastin to be exact. I vomited my stomach out just right before imsak. So I was left with an empty stomach fer the whole fastin day. It was somethin I ate a day earlier. I guess it was the junk food. But fastin is still fun and I'm glad mine is not yet broken even fer a single day.

Pasar Ramadhan or the Ramadhan Bazaar. Ahh. One of the nicest place. It took me a few days to find the best place with the best food. People say the bazaar(s) here is not as happenin as last year. I don't have a clue because last year I'm not livin here yet. It's ok although I miss my old place Seremban.

The food here is good too. Not forgettin the girls. Hah! One of the time that we can see (most) girls without their makeup.

Talkin bout food. I guess I still have this syndrome of buyin many food and ended up eatin just a few of it. But this year I'm spend my money more wisely. Still I have the rambang mata when I see all the choice of superbly delicious food on display. Yum. Makes me want to point my fingers at those food like a drunken cowboy.

I also noticed that my appetite has sunken dramatically this fastin season. I ate a plate of rice 2 times per day. 1 fer berbuka and the other fer sahur with the latter, thanks to my abang angkat who call up every mornin, remindin me to come to his house fer sahur. Except fer yesterday mornin where I speak on the phone while sleepin. So I missed a sahur. Heh. Wonder how much weight I'll lose this year. Enjoy your puasa folks! Later.

Fastin month is back!

Ramadhan is back. The sweetest month is here again. Happy Ramadhan to all you muslims. May this month bring us closer to our Creator.

This is my 1st time fastin in Puchong. When all my friends were back home, enjoyin their 1st Ramadhan with their families, I'm here all alone. Ah well. At least I have my foster brother's family here. How's Ramadhan here? It's ok I guess. Because I haven't leave this home since 'sahur'. Haha. The weather is not bad though. Not as hot as the previous Ramadhan.

Hmmm, so what am I gonna have to break the fast today? I'm thinkin bout my seasonal's favourite = 'Ayam Percik'. Hot rice and that alone is enough fer me. Yeah sure some 'kuih-muih'. Some? I have this bad habit of pointin at all the nice lookin 'kuih' my eyes can see and ended up not eatin any of it later. At least on previous Ramadhan, I can count on my nephews to take care of all the food. Now I have to make sure I don't buy unnescessary food. Bah we'll see in another few minutes when it's time to go to 'pasar Ramadhan'.

Ahh. 'pasar Ramadhan'.. One of the most happenin places to go. Haha. Good food, nice lookin girls around. What more can we hope fer aye? Well I'm not quite sure where's the 'pasar Ramadhan' here near my area so I better ask around.

Changed my car's oil filter and engine oil by meself yesterday mornin. Early in the mornin. I even polish the car and guess what? It rains in the evenin. Heh. Now that I know how to change the oil filter and engine oil, it'll be more cost-savin fer me.

Look at the time. Well well, I better get ready fer a 'pasar Ramadhan' invasion. Later then.

Hello world... ? *I'm still alive*

I was about to blog somethin today. Errr, supposed to be 3/4 hours ago but I was stuck with games. So I guess that can wait fer another day. How was everythin? Somethin is ok, and somethin is, uhm, somethin else. Been a potato couch fer a few days and I think I survived because of this laptop-o-mine here. Without it, I might be dead. Dead bored. In another few weeks or sooner, you guys can be sure that it'll be super rare fer me to blog anymore. No the owner of this wifi's hotspot didn't know I've been 'borrowin' her internet access, yet, but I'll be busy with the new job. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I'll be busy with the new job but still be bloggin like usual. Or maybe I'll be busy searchin fer another new job. Or maybe my new job will be bloggin about somethin. I'd write more here but I guess this is enough fer now. Later then!

Stepped down from duty, skinnin my head & Happy Merdeka Day Malaysia!

Got a problem with 'BlogThis!' just now. Stuck with an endless cycle of loggin in(s) and word verifications that made me thought I'm THAT old and forgot my password. Bah!.

Anyway. Still stuck with doin this old job even when I've officially resigned my duties. Pfft. "Have to cover the jobs until the new guys start their duty". Whatever. It's not that I don't want to. But heck, I've resigned and everytime I go out there, got my ringgit burnt unnescessarily. Such a waste. Still, I'm doin the job until I can be sure that I don't have to. Really sure. Just make sure the claims are on time because on-the-field works are tirin. And I've resigned. Yeah I know I'm repeatin meself.

Here I am, sittin in the office probably fer the last time. Not wearin a TMNet T-shirt because I thought I've resigned. Yeah I did but actually not. So I have this new order that I have to entertain. Bah. Where am I workin next? Still with the same company but with different job. Not about Streamyx at all. Hurrah! No more grumpy customers, ridiculous call center and inadequate paycheque. This is what I call Merdeka!

I'm cuttin my hair short today. Mebbe a bit later. It'll be more to 'skinnin' my head rather than cuttin my hair. I remembered that hairstyle when I was a kid. In fact I was forced to skin my head until I was in form 3. Now I'm *cough*old*cough* and *cough*wise*cough* and I'm not sure how I'll look like in that fashion. Maybe like a rejected cast fer Prison Break. We'll see.

Happy Merdeka Day you all! Be proud to be Malaysians. Think of all the great things we have here. I'm sure we don't need to look hard fer it. Although some of us will easily forget. Selamat Hari Merdeka! Later.

34,000 fer Fractured (In my dream..) & chess fer headache.

I had a dream last night. Fractured was called to play a gig, or I think it's more to a big concert somewhere in KL. On the flyer (Ohhh the flyer is soooo cool..) they even print a statistic of a sort that shows how much crowd the specific band can bring into the concert. How much did we get? Around 34,000. And we were the 3rd lowest in all the 7 (or maybe 8) bands listed. Bah. So it's not a happy dream I know.

What else is new? Hmm. Nothin. Just sharin my dream. Hah!

Ok I had a date arranged a few days ago by my 'abang angkat's family. Pfftt I know I'm hopeless but I never knew I was THIS hopeless. Somehow it's good to know that there are people who care. Don't ask about the date because I won't tell. Currently that's not too important.

So what is important anyway? My band! Arghhh! I just realised that it's been too long since I last practice with the band. Last 2 weeks they jammed without me. 3 piece without the bass AND vocal. My bad. How bout this week? I think I need to go back to Seremban. This songs kept playin in my head and my bass keep buggin my sleeps, tellin me to practice, practice and practice.

Bobi brought his guitar so now it's much easier fer me to practice by meself. Hey it's not my fault fer the late reaction but I can't just practice with my bass without any amplifier can I?

I have to stop fer now. Got this headache on the left side of my head. Sheesh. Had a few game of chess last night and it was a long while since I played that. Haha. Later.

Lazy day & Momoe's bloggin.

Well, well. What's been happenin in my world lately? Uh, not much. Still bored with work, still stuck with no impressive social life. My head itches because I guess it's still tryin to adjust with the length of the hair. Tryin too hard I think. My bass is startin to collect dust due to my laziness to practice. I'm still stuck with a blank page in writin fer Fractured new lyric. The theme is there, somewhere in my head but I just can't get my pen scratchin.

Momoe (Ah now she have a url accompanyin her name huh.. hehe :P) has started writin blog nowadays. Hear ye, hear ye. Well, you go girl! Hope that you'll just write whatever it is and fer sure it'll be worth it. You can find her link on this blog's 'Blog Brothers/Sisters's link.

Today is one of those lazy days. I'm feelin lazy. And I like it. Ah there might be a slight turn in my life again. And this time it'll give a far greater effect to the course of my life. No, not marriage, uh not even an engagement. It has nothin to do with that. it's just somethin about ... WORK! Bah!. Later.

Cut my hair.

I took a few pictures of me yesterday. Heck I want to upload the pics but the camera's USB cable is missin. Soon I hope. It was the picture of me with my long hair a few minutes before I cut it short. Yeah now my hair is very short. I never knew my hair was so long when I saw the pictures. Hah.

If you see my small picture of the right side of this blog, you'll know that's kind of what I look like now. Maybe shorter. I don't know. I'll take a picture soon hopefully.

Plans, plans, plans. Let's see.. Okay Fractured was suppose to prepare fer recordin this month. Well we're kinda ready but late. Later.

Heart of glass...

Shattered. If a single sms will cost about 10cent, it only took about 30cents to break me. Somehow this feelin I got since last few days was right. Somehow. All this years of bein hung, without a rope; just ended. Maybe bein happy is too much to ask. For it hasn't been granted yet to me. Not eternally.

The relationship I had with Intan just ended. Just like that. No voice, just textual notification. Like a bright light, it all seems so clear today. I don't need to make meself easy anymore. I'm just unwanted. Just like that. I never got the chance to know the real reason. Except fer things like "I have a new commitment for my future and my family" which I don't have the energy to decrypt. It can mean anythin, not that I'm not interested in knowin, but the main thing is clear; the relationship ended.

I waited fer years just to know it'll end today. Like this. In my current situation. I lost the people I needed the most one by one. One way or another.

I wonder why she don't want to say it. Voice it. Say it to my ears. I can unshamely say that I'm hurt and frustrated.

When a woman is loyal, it's true love. When a man do that, they say it's stupidity. So yes I might be. Depends on your perception. Some may rejoice, happy that somehow I failed, again. Some may share the same pain I have. I just don't care.

I will still love her. Maybe forever. I'm hurt, yes, but I can never forget the good things we've experienced. The feelin of this somewhat pathetic love will consume me. I don't know. Let it be. To ease myself, I have to hate her. For which I can unshamely say I know that I can never have the heart to do so. I just don't have that strength.

May you be happy with whoever that lucky man is. No worries, I will never be a competition to him. If you somehow read this.. I just don't know what to say. Just be happy. For someday, I hopefully will. You are special.

I was ready to meet her father. I was ready fer a commitment. Was my wish too much to ask?

Longin to hear her voice...

It's been a few days since I last talk to her on the phone. The last time we talked, it was already a few days since the 2nd last time. Honestly, I miss her very much.

Her phone went kaput so there goes our daily chat. So, it's a torment. After years and years of separation, I had to do what I've been doin fer ages. Wait. And wait. I don't blame her though. I know her current condition. I know it'll be hard fer her to contact me 1st by lookin at her condition.

Still, this is drivin me nuts. Thinkin bout how long it'll take to talk to her again. I feel like I want to drive to her place but I'm not sure if it's the right time. Her father is unpredictable. I wanted to call her mother's mobile, I did the last time we talked but I don't want to bother her mother with this.

I wonder if she feels the torture like I'm feelin right now. Does she misses me like I am to her? Honestly, I'm not too sure. Because I don't know how women feels like deep inside. I've been like a loonie since a few days ago thinkin bout this. Arrghh! How I want to hear her voice so bad. If only she knows it.. Fortunately she doesn't read this blog of mine.

Ever since my father died, I'm gettin more and more lonelier. It's like that everybody else is a stranger. No, I got it wrong. I guess it's not the right word. It's like everybody else still have someone else who's more important in their lives. And fer sure they all have. As fer me, I'll just be with meself. This is the reason why I'm dyin to talk to her. But the situation is kinda not on my side.

Maybe my emotions is not yet stable. I don't know. I think so. I guess it's gettin more and more frequent to see me write some sentimental things in here huh? Ah well. Later.

My father passed away.. Al-Fatihah.

I never knew the visit to my father's house last Sunday was the last time I'll see him alive. My father died yesterday on 22nd June 2006 around 2 in the evenin. He was 56.

Like a fate, now I know why I urged myself to visit him last Sunday. Although the car have problems and I was kind of broke, I feel like I must go there no matter what. I'm still in shock.

A part of me is relieved, because he won't have to suffer anymore. I know he was in a lot of pain with the tumor. I saw the bulge on his left skull when I bath him today. It'll sadden me more if he still suffers. And a part of me think that it's too soon. It's like this is too quick. But then, God knows best. He knows what's good fer His subjects.

Deep inside of me, I'm happy because I had the chance to lower both of my parents into their graves. My late mother and today, my father. It does break me, when I put each of them gently into their graves, thinkin that it will be my last time to see their faces. The faces that molded mine. Because I'm more close with my late mother, I never thought that I'll broke in tears when I see the face of my late father. But I did. I guess that's who I really am. Deep inside of me, I'm really a gentle person.

I've lost my grandparents, my lovely mother and now my father. It all seems too soon. But I have to live with that. Nothin can bring them back. All I must do is pray fer their journey in the afterlife. All I have now is my sisters. How do I feel? I don't know. Mixed up fer sure. Life is like this. Nothin is certain in this life accept fer death. Everyone will die someday. So I have to make a good use of it. I guess I said enough. Thanks to my friends fer your condolences. Thank you fer readin.

Al-Fatihah to my grandparents and especially to my parents:

- Zulifah Bt Hj. Idris (My lovely mother. 28th January 2003.)
- Zulkiffli Onni B Abdul Ghaffar (My father. 22nd June 2006.)

Mom, dad, you know I love you. So much..

Later.

Visit my father, next her father & heat chronology, radiator revisited.

Last Sunday me and Intan went back to my father's house. It was an unplanned trip but I'm glad to have done it. When we arrived, my father was sleepin and under medication. He's thinner than the last time I saw him and I feel very sad to see his current condition. Although we rarely speak to each other and all, my heart breaks to see him suffer. I didn't get the chance to hear him speak to me that day. I don't know if he can even remember me in his current medical state. It's not that important though because I will always remember him. He's my father.

Intan is well received in my father's house. My stepmom and her seems to get along quite well in a short period of time. I know when we'll meet my sisters soon, she can cope with all of them just fine too because my family is just plain simple. It's good fer her and unfair fer me because she have an easy road but I have to face her father soon. Not a bad thing at all but that's gonna be hard. Maybe in next month though because I didn't cut my hair yet. Hehe. I need to take a self potrait before that too. Am I ready to face her family? Well, her kid sister and brother still remembers me although the last time they saw me was eons ago. I guess her mom will recognise me when she see me too. But I never met her father, not even once but I do know that her father is unpredictable and mostly 'kepala angin'. Why is this your problem? I don't know. Maybe because you love readin my blog so much? ;).

Like I've said, I think I'll go and meet her parents next month. Whoa, I'm nervous even when just writin about it. Her father is so unpredictable that even Intan herself don't know when is the best time fer me to meet him. I mean, when his mood is very very good. That man have this speculation that her daughter is probably with somebody but he don't know who. Her mom saw me a few years ago and knows that we're in a relationship again now. So that leave the man who's the only person I need to impress. Impress how? I don't know. Fer sure I don't want to get vetoed out. It'll be fine as long as he don't hate me. Hehe. If he say somethin like "I don't like that guy" then I'm in trouble. I guess we'll just have to see.

I brought my car back from the workshop last Saturday and that's when I planned to go to Seremban. It was so sudden that disasters will surely happen. And did. Changed the timing belt and the water pump. But because I was late on pickin the car up, my plan to go to Seremban was delayed to Sunday. Imagine askin her to get ready around 6 when it was nearly 7 that I was on my way to the workshop to get the car!

Then on Sunday, I noticed that the temperature was up again. This time it was more nerve breakin. Imagine gettin stuck in KL's traffic jam and the temp went up nearin the red bar. Crazy. New water pump and the temp went crazy again? This is nuts. When I did arrive near her house, I quickly check the engine and what did I found? Great, the fan went dead. Sheesh. It was then I was forced to rethink about the plan to go back to Seremban.

Thank God the weather was not that hot and it rains slowly in KL. So I made up my mind and tell meself to just go fer it. Lucky me after hundreds of call, 2 of my Seremban's friends will take a look at my radiator's fan when I arrive. So it was up to me to make sure that I can get to Seremban safely. Again, thanks to the cool weather and a stop at the Seremban's R&R (not to mention drivin below 80km/h.. Bluergh..), we made it safely.

After we went to my father's house, we went to Alon's to get him to check the radiator. He suggested that we take the car to his friend's workshop so we did just that. Looks like the sensor was out so the mechanic had to make a direct connection fer the fan. Seems like the fan was ok after all. Now the fan will never stop swirlin as long as the ignition is on. Good job fer a temporary solution. On our way back to KL, the temperature was up again, although now it's not that how. Darn. Highways is the best place to torture test your car.

So yesterday my 'abang angkat' pull out the termostat (if I got it right) and now it's gettin better. Not that hot still not as cool as I wanted it to be either. Still need to service the radiator because it's been ages since I did that. Eh. Wait. I never did that. Heh. I still need to go out and test it on a highway to be sure. Soon baby, soon. If the temp went up again, I'll put a refrigerator inside. Later.

More 'work' blabberin & car in the workshop.

Bleurgh. This 15 days has been quite of a hell. Work! What else!. The first time I managed to get less than 20 installation per cycle. How much? 6! What the.. Less installation means less income. Duh. Money money money.

Whoa. I slept while I was composin this blog. It's now 10 in the mornin. I guess I'm pretty tired with all this activities I've been into this past few days. So now that I've successfully slumbered through the writin of this blog, I forgot what I was thinkin yesterday.

Today will be quite a busy day. Hopefully I can make up fer last 15 day's loss. Like the last 15 days, it's not that the job I have is only 6, I have many installation's appointment but many of it is just a waste of time. Still the same birocratic problem. DSL line not jumpered etc. And when the place to go is far, it really wasted my time. Big time. Not to mention that some popular area has turn slow on the demand. It's one of those time.

Enough with that. My car is still in the workshop, changed timing belt, repaired the radiator etc. It's completed but I have no time to take it back home. Maybe today. Been a while since I drive that car. Accordin to the mechanic, the heat problem is gone. Hurrah! Now I can drive it fast like the old days. Later.

The face I wanted to see.

I met her in person again yesterday. After all this years, seein her again is like we just have a date last Saturday. All the hardship of bein seperated fer years just disappeared. No ackward feelin at all. Her appearance didn't change at all. Still that face, still that same smile. And I still have that tingly feelin like the last time I met her. Fer a moment, I was speechless, tryin to believe that she is in front of me, that face I wanted to see again fer a long time.

Sure, somehow things changed. But mostly it's the grown environment we left behind. Courses of life took a turn or two. Fer sure added events in those lost times. But neither of that changed the feelin.

Ah, I didn't plan on meetin her yesterday. Not that soon. If I can call it 'soon'. The most suitable name is 'spontaneous'. We talked on the phone and *bang*, I just thought that I want to meet her. So I did. I should've done that earlier. Much earlier. I know, I need to improve. We talked and talked until the clock got jealous and put 3:xx in the mornin fer display. The first time we had a date till mornin. Most of the chat is to catch up with our lost times. Still, the time is never enough. German won and I had to leave. I had to remember that she's still someone's daughter. I don't want to make a bad impression to her father.

It's a relief I made that slight decision. The decision of goin there and meet her. A small decision but with a big impact. If I didn't, I know right now I'm feelin guilty. More or less, I'd tell myself that I'm stupid. stupid fer not tryin to take that chance. Fer not tryin. Heck her place is not that far either.

I'm pretty sure I'll get addicted to that. Travellin from my place to hers. Forget bout any typical date session. Just do it. What about today? I don't think I need to plan anythin on that now. Heh I still have goosebumps. Later.

Back on track... *smiles*..

Thing does go unexpectedly. So finally, I'm back in contact with her. Thanks to an unexpected help. A really big help. You know who you are! Well, I know what's been goin on between you and Intan but then, I don't have any intention to get involve in it. :). Still, the fact is that with your help, I can reach Intan again. I know just a "thank you" won't be enough. Maybe your cup of Starbuck later. Yeah maybe you are an angel from above ;).

After all this years seperated, me and her we're keepin in touch again. Like the old times. And we're both single. So what now? It's like what I was told yesterday, "Maybe your past experiences with your ex-es made you realise that she IS the right person after all. Maybe you have learned your past mistakes. Maybe you and her really are meant to be together.". I sure hope that it is true. Wait, that's the old me, now it's "I'll try my best to make sure it is true".

Once, one of my ex asked me, "How can you forget your past relationship so fast?". I think she didn't get it. I never forget any of it. It's just that we all need to move on. Should I shows my feelin fer the past? Ok maybe I'm lack of sensitivity about it but it doesn't mean that I'm a heartless brat. The things is just a past, cheerfull or not. Happy or less. Sure sometime it's hard to forget about someone (a nice and good person, you know you are an angel Momoe. <3 fer you always..) but don't let the current situation turn the feelins into hatred. Yeah I'm pissed off with most of my ex-es but I don't literary 'hate' them. Hey things go fer a reason or two. Heh but it's a double-edge sword too, that also doesn't mean that I like you or still wants to hear any news bout you. Get over it.

So it's hard to please everybody but it's your lucky day! I don't have that in me nowadays. What goes from now on? All the typical plannin and so on bla bla *giggles*. Ah now I'm ready fer that commitment. Not that soon though. Later ;).

Membebel..

Macam orang gila. Yup. Bukan 'macam', tapi memang dah gila kot saya nih. Ah, skema. Kata ganti nama guna 'saya' instead of 'aku'. Tapi dah memang bertahun tak pakai 'aku'. Bunyi macam kasar. 'gua-lu' lagi lembut. Heh, penjelasan yang tak relevan pada masa ni.

Pelik. Tulis blog dalam BM. Tak tau le kenapa. Saja nak ubah selera, atau sebetulnya, tengah kucar-kacir skit kepala ni. Reason? Reason tu jugak le. Nama yang dah bertahun didengar dan takleh nak lupa. Terpisah disebabkan macam-macam hal. Intan, sape lagi? Memang dah dijangkakan blog saya lepas ni takde citer pasal lain dah. Citer tu jek la. Sikit2 nama tu, sikit2 nama tu. Yup, macam saya cakap tadi, memang dah gila kot.

Last time masuk IRC, hmm, lupa dah. Lama sangat. Tapi sebab dah gila, arinih tiba-tiba jek masuk IRC. Apekejadah? Harapan kot? Harapan utk dimsg oleh Intan. Heh. Dream on. Tak masuk akal tapi buat jugak. Mane la tau kan? Sebab apa? Sebab penyiksaan ni sungguh, uhm, menyiksakan. Penantian. Tunggu dan tunggu dan tunggu. Mesti ramai tak paham kenapa. Kenapa nak buang masa atas sesuatu yang tak pasti? Ketidakpastian yang berkemungkinan mengecewakan tatkala diketahui kebenaran.

Still lagi kat IRC. Tak menaip pun dalam tu. Kepuasan sebab sekurang-kurangnyek ade gak usaha untuk, uhm, berusaha. Dok tercongok tengok orang berborak ntah apa-apa. Heh. Dulu ade gak terjebak IRC nih. Skang dah tadek mood. Masa telah mengubah keadaan. Tapi perasaan plak? Hmm. Still macam dulu.

Tak penat ke menunggu? Soalan yang selalu ditanya oleh minda kedua. Soalan yang biasa dijawap oleh alter ego yang satu lagi. Macam2 alasan. Tapi penantian tu tak pernah mengganggu perhubungan yang lain. Malah tak pernah pulak menyebabkan kesan buruk kat mana-mana relationship yang sedia ada. Kalau nak diikutkan, perkara yang sebaliknyek terjadi. Perhubungan yang sedia ada menjahanamkan penantian tu.

Adakah itu membolehkan saya dilabel sebagai seorang yang unpredictable? Seseorang yang pada bila-bila masa boleh berubah? Come on, nothin is predictable. Kepercayaan itu lebih penting.

Ni dah kali ke berapa puluh bukak email. Mengharap keajaiban terjadi. Termasuk le belek handphone. Takut sangat tiba-tiba takde coverage, atau service down, atau celcom bankrap. Padahal kalau dah memang bukan masa untuk jumpa dier, memang takkan jumpa. Tapi biase le, kepuasan berbuat sesuatu walaupun nampak silly. Tapi betul ke silly?

Ok, katakan le dapat jugak jumpa Intan akhirnyek. Tapi dier dah kawin, or bertunang ke ape ke. Camne plak? Well, still tak mengubah apa-apa. Niat ni cuma satu jek. Nak at least jumpe sekejap. Kerana tujuan itu adalah kepuasan. Kebanyakkan masa kita ni dibazirkan dalam usaha untuk hidup and instead of doin that, saya nak merasai kepuasannya. Apa yang ade dimasa hadapan? Tak siapa yang tau. Later.

Weddin went fine & about her.

My friend's weddin ceremony went just fine. Such an enlightenin moment. I nearly drop my happy tears fer reason I know not. Heh. It feels good to see a friend get married. The food is great and I spent quite some time fillin up my stomach haha. No eligible chicks I can recall though so it's not that fun anyway. Anyway, to you Shah Ridzuan and Khatijah, may the life ahead be filled with Allah's bless and happiness.

Guess what? I was so excited bout my friend's weddin, I bought quite a few of things which is unusual fer me. I bought 2 collar tees, 1 khaki, a pair of boots and a pair of shoes. Wow. Well there was a sale and I just got a bargain. I guess. When I was lookin fer a pair of jeans, I realised that my fund ran low. So no jeans fer me fer now.

Somehow, at the weddin place, there was quite a time of me bein 'alone'. I mean, the loneliness just shows. Not my time yet I guess.

I'm still waitin fer any reply from the person I long lost. It's torturin me. Anythin can happen between the time she sent her email until now. I need to know how she's been, all the things happenin around her, anythin. *sigh*. When it's just "this" close of seein each other again, I guess I just don't have that luck. I don't know why I've been waitin fer all this years, neither do my friends who knew her. I should've just get on with the life I have left. Heck I am. I do get on with it. It's just that there's a piece of a me, like an incomplete puzzle which I just need to complete. How can I put it? Words is hard and writin bout it is much harder.

She was my sweetheart. There I said it. My lover when I just finished highschool. She understands me. Her looks won't make men glance at her twice but she have this thing bout her that's just so perfect. Maybe her kindness, maybe her simple mind, maybe the way she smiles. Oh I know she have all of it. Oh why the heck I'm tellin good things bout my ex? Trust me that's rare fer me because almost all of my ex-es are a bunch of garbage. 1, it's because she IS simple minded, kind, understandin and I just like the way she smile. And the other reason, we never officially broke up. Weird eh?

Heck I know I misunderstood her back then. We were fine until a few years after that, I misunderstood her fer a moment. And after that, it all went hell. And my stupidity caused the 1st chapter of losin contact. I still didn't forgive meself fer that. I know I was stupid. I moved on back then but still I have this feelin of wantin to see her again even if we can't meet. Like I've said, even if I could see her on the other side of the road on a busy monday. Even if just fer a few seconds, it'll be enough. But it tooks years after that to actually see her again.

But at that time, we both had chosen our path, me with my gf (at that time, such a waste of time if I could spent a little of my brain cells to think bout it..) and she's with her bf. Still, I was happy. To think that although we couldn't be together, we can still talks like the good old days. It was the 2nd biggest mistake I made. I should've dumped the thrash who's with me back then and stole her from her bf. Sounds harsh am I? To think bout it, that was the best thing that could've happened but because I wanted to be a "one-women" kinda guy, I fucked it up.

Why am I pissed off? Wait, I'm not pissed off because Intan (the person I've lost contact, the old sweetheart) have a new bf. Neither am I angry at her bf (but honestly I was jealous..). I'm pissed off and still am because my gf was havin a relationship on my back. Only if I knew bout it sooner. She deleted Intan's mobile number because she got jealous. What did I do? I did nothin and say nothin. And to make things worst, my mobile got stolen a few days after that. Then she testified that she is havin another relationship behind me. So I backed off. But I lost the war because I lose Intan, again. Like what I've said, I should've dumped the thrash earlier.

Long after that, Bobby (my friend who's livin with me here in Puchong) saw Intan in KL. But then he was smart enough to NOT ask fer any numbers. *sigh*. They even had a talk. Anyway, I knew that Intan wanted to see me again too. Bobby said the details.

Then this latest email. Which I had the privilege to read only after nearly 6 month after it was sent. Why? Why this torture? What did I do wrong back then? I'm tired of hopin but I'm still chasin. I'm tired of waitin but I never want to give up. Even if she's married now. I don't want anythin else, I just want to see her. 6 months.. Anythin can happen in 6 months.

I just don't know what got into me today. I ceased to write somethin as open or harsh like this. I was afraid that I might hurt someone's feelin because I know there's people involved are readin this. But right now I don't give a hell. It's been in me fer too long. It's true anyway so why should I even care the outcome of this? Pissed off? Then fuck you!

Still, I'm waitin fer some sort of miracle. My friends told me to keep the hopes low but I don't care if I AM chasin shadows here. This hope don't die so why should I just kill it? I'll wait. Heck it's not like it's my 1st time. There, I guess this is a good therapy. Somehow it's a relief to let it out of my chest. Later.

ikan di laut, asam di darat & rebuildin website.

Oh my. Sometime things just go unexpectedly. The person who I knew fer more than 10 years, and lost contact fer more than half of the time has finally contacted me again. I guess my prayers all this years has been granted. But the email went to my Graffiti.net account and the email+web hosting have currently suspended my account fer not loggin in fer more than 60 days. All my web pages are gone and my emails were deleted. The email was sent nearly 6 months ago and the suckiness of my wifi coverage at home didn't allow me to check the emails sooner. Lucky that email didn't get deleted. Hopefully the person still uses that same email add. I'm eager to meet up with her again. Aha. Yeah the person is a she. If I'm meant to see her again, we'll meet.

I'm currently rebuildin my homepage and it's quite a pain in the ass because I can only transfer the files one by one. And fer sure there'll be some files which is missin because my offline storage fer the files went kaput (the problem with XP with my laptop a few months ago.. pfftt.). I'm in a hellofa good mood today I didn't mind at all. You can be sure the homepage will be back online in a few more minutes. Later.

MyTeam vs Malaysia, it's obvious who's the real winner..

Ah. Football. I have to admit, I have long abandoned my desire to watch any Malaysian football match since, uhm, ever. I'm not afraid to say that watchin any local team play is like watchin amateurs. So flame me. But today I'm watchin a local football match. But it's not just any match, yeah it's MyTeam vs. Malaysia's junior team.

It's now 1 goal fer each team. Who I pick to win the match? MyTeam of course. But it's ok if they lose. The team which was assembled & trained fer bout 6 months playin against the "pro". Hah. HAHA MyTeam shoot the 1st goal! Huurrrahhhh! I'm still happy fer it. Even if MyTeam lose, this scar on Malaysian team will never heal. Such disgrace. This is the harsh reality, our national teams are spoilt too much with luxury and such, they became football workers rather than football players.

Update, Malaysian team has just scored another goal. It's now 2-1 fer Malaysian and MyTeam.

Where was I? Oh about our national players. Well, I know I'm not the only one who's thinkin like that. I know many of us do. Care to tell me what's our rankin in the world now? Bottom 20? Or 40? Sad is it? It is. When MyTeam scored the 1st goal, I was excited and sad at the same time. Our "pros" against the amateurs and the latter got the 1st lead. This shows how rubbish our current football situation has gone. We can't even make a name in southeast asia. Forget about the asian cup. World cup? With the current status, don't make me laugh. Even Togo, the country I never heard before went to Germany playin fer World Cup.

What's wrong with our players? If you ask me I'd still say it's about materials and luxury. It's not rare to see a new born star went like a kindergarden's football player after gettin a Perdana V6 or somethin fer his achievement in his last match against whoever. It's like a disease, a sad plague that has poisoned our players. Do they really love the game? Nobody knows except themselves. Fer sure they love the money and fame.

So Malaysia's junior team won the game with 2 to 1. Is it somethin to brag about? Did they make up to their status? To me, they are a major disappointment. If they got a 5-0 score, then I can seriously agree that they are our pros. But lookin at the match statistics, and their opponent, they got nothin to be proud about. They lose big time. In the end, MyTeam, the real amateurs, proved that love for the game can make any player, a star. I fully agrees with MyTeam's motto: Believe in possibilities. Chin up MyTeam, you really proves us that Malaysian can play football like a pro if they try hard. Thank you fer showin us that Malaysian football still have hope of survivin.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not against our national team. Eh, wait. I am. And I will always be until our team is feared once again like the *long* good old days. Until that day, many like me will make this special match today the only local football match we'll watch.

Heh, even the Man of The Match goes to MyTeam's player. Later.

Homepage down.

Urh. It's the first time in so many years that my homepage is down (yeah this time I didn't put any link with the word because of it.) and my web folder is currently empty. Ouch. I don't know what happened. Lucky fer me I have the offline files of my homepage but I don't quite know how updated is it. Well, it's better than havin nothin. Sorry fer those who tried openin my homepage but can't. I'll try and upload the files later. Err.. later.